he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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