She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
