i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
