I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
