Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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