I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
