he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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