Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
