Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
