wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
