If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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