He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
