I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
