Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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