Jerry, you need to find god
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
