I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
