Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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