how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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