i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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