My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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