so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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