you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
