I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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