I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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