I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
