Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
