I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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