i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I understand Curling. That high.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
