he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
