hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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