Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
