i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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