I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
