Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
