fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
