I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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