Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Congratulations! We have a period
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