this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
