New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
