grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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