took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
