The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
True strength comes from lack of pants
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
