I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
