I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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