He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
