i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
