she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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