PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
