My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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