I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
