do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
