She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
