Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
